5 posts tagged “friendship”
What a joy friends are.
Last weekend I was experiencing a real block regarding something I had to write. A special Vox friend came through for me big time and I was humbled by her both kindness and skills.
I had friends over for a very informal supper this week. The sharing of food, drink and conversation was a much needed balm. It was also a much overdue opportunity to express my appreciation for their kindness.
Last night a very dear friend and her wonderful husband (through the years he's become a special friend, too) came from out of town for an overnight visit. Hunger took us to the local where I got to witness my very urban visitors pleasantly engaged in conversation on the topic of an unsuccessful moose hunting season. Different cultures and languages came together and I was in the middle of it all.
During the visit other friends contacted me. "Have your buddies arrived?" "Do you need anything?" "I hope you have a great visit. I know these people mean so much to you."
My visitors are back on the road now and I am left with a feeling that friendship is life's pilot light. </sigh>
Laying in a hospital bed, not making much sense, my dear friend M. brought me the first chapters of her novel to read and comment on. She knew, knowing me oh so well, that I needed something in my life to reboot my curiosity and that appealed on a bit more of an intellectual than Star Trek on a little hospital TV.
It was a slow process for me. Fatigue and pain often limited reading to a couple pages a day. Soon, however, I was looking forward to those pages. I read and reread her work. Criticism? That was limited, believe me. The novel was going to be good. It was true. It was her.
I have just heard that Harper Collins has bought the book. Yes! I am so happy. It really couldn't have happened to a nicer, more talented, more sincere person. Looking into my crystal ball I predict bubbly flowing this weekend.
An open letter to my family and friends,
Last Saturday was my birthday and wonderful it was.
I don't think I've had an organized birthday since I was a lad and we'd go bowling or to the movies. I had thought that we'd be about a dozen people but as it turned out there were fifty. It's seven days later and I am still amazed. The only unfortunate part was I didn't have time to spend with each and everyone there. All of them deserved it.
Of course there were many highlights, several of which I am not going to blog about. However there were some particularly special moments for me.
The cake. You should have seen the cake!. Huge. Handsome. It was a week's worth of effort and a wonderful surprise appreciated by all (I got to take the remainder home, of course).
There were the special messages from friends far away, and a cryptic note purported to be from "Ted Williams' Head".
My family and friends. You are a diverse lot. There were my special neighbourhood friends who have made me feel so welcome in our small community. There were my fishing buddies who I never see enough of. There were soldiers and artists, a carpenter, an opera singer, the lawyers, the chef, the stage dresser, the chum from Jr. High, a mill worker, students, teachers, mentors, moms, dads, daughters and sons.
Birthdays are kind of silly. They are inevitable and time is what it is. Just two years ago, in March, I was told I may not see my next birthday. Well, I'm here. Life is good. Take that and let's move on. That's what I thought as I recovered from blowing out my candles.
I looked around the room and saw not one person I didn't care for. I am one fortunate fellow.
There are some photos here.
With love,
jp
Tuesday's clinic visit had some good news and some not so good news. The good news is that I no longer have any dietary restrictions. This means that formerly ''banned' things are back on the menu. The kitchen is open! Man, I have missed salad and I'm planning on celebrating with a big Greek salad this weekend. Let's hope my taste buds cooperate.
I have been simply amazed by the responses that have come into my previous post on Friendship. Most of this has gone on in private emails but it was the post that got it going. It has been a lot of fun tossing about ideas and theories. It has also been very cool (yes, I say cool) to have neighbors share personal experiences and listen to some of mine.
Wednesday I went and got a haircut. It is over a year since this has happened, unless you count having my head shaved in the hospital - thanks Joe. Now when I say haircut I mean a trip to a traditional barber. When I was a kid I didn't enjoy getting my haircut but I liked going to the shop with my Dad. The men complained about politicians, debated the pros and cons of various hockey and baseball players and spoke of the next season's fishing trips. I loved the smells of lotions, creams, disinfectants and cigars. The cigars are gone, of course, and the strops are generally silent. Where two barbers shared a shop one chair now is empty but I am drawn back. My trips to a spa will be limited. I do not need a massage let alone a shampoo. A crisp, clean, cut and a chat about the day's affairs. The walk outside into a spring-like breeze ... it's almost instant refreshment. $15 with a generous tip.
Another nice thing is that I am now able to read and only get functionally drowsy rather than falling immediately to sleep. This has allowed me the opportunity to return with satisfaction to an old "friend" author Michael Connelly.
In The Closers Detective Hieronymus "Harry" Bosch returns to the LAPD after a three year retirement. He's assigned to the newly re-formed Open-Unsolved ("cold case") Unit and his former partner Kizmin Rider. Together they must resolve the 17-year-old murder of a mixed-race teenager.
I am, obviously to fans, behind in this series. The prose may not be Connelly's most descriptive as a lot of time is spent dealing with the changes in Departmental politics during his absence. It's still a very good read for crime fans. I suspect the time spent on background gives Connelly more freedom to wax darkly poetic in the subsequent Bosch novels.
I am now about half way through Carl Sagan's The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark.
Most of what I have come across so far has involved Sagan rejecting beliefs in alien abduction or Atlantis on the basis that they are ignorant. This doesn't mean he puts down the believers, necessarily, but rather he shows how many "New Age" ideas (and some old ones, too) do not stand up to scientific scrutiny and/or fact. He could see and appreciate the desire for belief in something else. He felt, however, that somehow society had let these people down by not allowing them to direct the same positive energy towards science and its' own marvels.
Sagan was a good scientist. He remains, in his legacy of film and books, an excellent communicator.
Food, a haircut, discussion and books ... so for today it's the little things that make life good.
This post was inspired by NYCinephile. He is exploring the Nature of Friendship, both on and offline. I started to write a comment but thought it was just getting too long ... So here is a typo-ridden stream of consciousness ramble or I'll end up not writing anything ....
Over the past year I have had a lot of time on my hands resulting from some serious health issues. These two factors have made friendship something that I've thought about, indeed have had to think about, at great length.
So what is a friend? First, there has to be a common, foundational, connection. Most often this is a shared interest (e.g.: art, film, a hobby, music, sport) or place in time (e.g.: camp, school or work). Now, if the interactions revolve solely on this connection I believe there is an acquaintanceship. Friendship must be more.
Friendship is a relationship that evolves from the acquaintanceship state and as it begins to form it acquires certain definitive characteristics.
- Friendship takes at least two. "Dave is my friend", says Mike. "I don't know where Mike got that", says Dave. There is no friendship here.
- Each party begins to know more about the other beyond the foundational connection. With familiarity an affection grows and this, in turn, inspires a deeper feeling of trust and an increased confidence in sharing personal information.
- These persons will welcome personal contact. Such contacts may simply be opportunities to be together in the knowledge and security or comfort of the other. There is an innate comfort in social reciprocating behavior where some things do not have to be spoken.
- These behaviors have now moved well past acquaintanceship where an element of mutual trust, at least to do no harm, is now present.
- This trust may remain swallow, deepen, or be shattered when a relationship is tested by adversity. Are both parts of this equation willing, for example, to: give and hear words of advice or physically and/or empathetically share a hardship?
These persons have reached a point where they wish the best for the other. I would say a friendship now exists. Of course, me being me, I must add a few caveats and I'm sorry if they seem obvious or trite.
Time is a factor in so many ways. My five stages of evolution can take place over a day or years. Personalities, desire, and opportunity will dictate this.
Nobody wants to be known as an acquaintance or refer to others in their social circles as such. We use the word 'friend' easily which is nice but the depth, or not, of the meaning isn't necessarily obvious to others.
Depth of friendship may, at any time, have to face honesty. A friendship may have a mutually unspoken, or established by personal history, understanding of just how 'honest' the parties have to be. It may demand the truth where 'others fear to tread'.
The requirement for friendship and number of friends vary with personality and opportunity.
True friendships will gravitate or grow to a level of mutual comfort.
A friendship broken will result in a feeling of loss.
Is there a difference between online and offline friends?
Certainly. The most important difference is environment. A lack of physical contact limits or, possibly, expands acquaintanceship becoming friendship. Someone who is predisposed NOT to relate to 'people of color', 'smokers', 'vegetarians', 'republicans', whatever, does not necessarily get that information immediately, or ever, online.
Some will be more willing to share intimacies based on anonymity. Communicating with a stranger can allow for a certain 'confessional' freedom. Things can be said that are difficult face-to-face.
Others will not share or share easily because the Internet is a huge entity. Who is out there? Who could be reading this? How can I trust someone when I can't look 'em in the eye? Personal and emotional safety are very important.
Who is in your Vox neighborhood and who is a Vox friend? I suspect a Vox friend is actually most often an acquaintance based on interesting photos, writing and/or ideas. Certainly true friendship is a possibility.
OK, if you've gotten this far you've put up with a lot of blathering. What I have learned about this topic has come from my being ill. Many so called friends were not there when I needed them. Part of this was because I hadn't really thought about what friendship really means. Look, a couple of these people just can't handle illness or hospitals. I can understand, be empathetic, and cut them some slack.
Some people, I learned, were never friends but simply 'good' acquaintances. We had work or whatever in common. Fine. When I rejoin their world we'll get along.
Some people appeared out of nowhere to provide unbelievable support! Wow, friends in the rough!
Others, however, couldn't deal with what I had become. Hey, empathy? I would have settled for sympathy, a visit, a phone call, an email, a debt repaid ... Screw 'em. Learning philosophy in the trenches, I call it.
I'd appreciate your thoughts, too. Post something and let me know. Who knows, it could be the beginning of a beautiful something.
